March 22nd, 2006

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Open Letter To Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
Please stop it.
You've been griping for years about your profits shrinking and you blame that mean old entertainment bogeyman: Piracy. I'm not saying that piracy doesn't happen or it hasn't hit your profit margins, but Hollywood, have you ever considered that you, yourself, might be to blame? The major studios haven't given us many original movies since the turn of the century and we're sick of spending $15 to go see a sequel or remake when we can get the superior original for $2 in the bargain bin at our local videostore.
The Bad News Bears? That's your answer to sagging box office receipts? Really?
Hollywood, you never lean from your mistakes. Every couple of years some sleeper indie film makes a ton of money and sweeps the awards, yet you keep pinning your hopes on titles like Bewitched and Basic Instinct 2 (I guess Sharon Stone didn't invest well).
According to the Hollywood Stock Exchange, the following projects are all in various stages of development: Barbarella, The Three Stooges, the A-Team, Fall Guy and Alice. Alice? What's the matter, you couldn't get the rights to The Facts of Life? The world needs an Alice movie like I need a bowel obstruction. And I'm fairly certain the bowel obstruction would be a more pleasant experience.
Hollywood, is your plan to fight piracy simply to stop making movies worth stealing?
Stop with the remakes and start making movies we've never heard of before. We are starved for original, fresh entertainment and all you're serving are barely warmed-up left-overs.
Mark my words, Hollywood: The studio that actually greenlights Alice: the Motion Picture can kiss my grits and my box office dollars goodbye.

Sincerely,
Steve Tassie
Actor, comedian and movie fan